Whether going through an extraordinary loss or just a difficult day, there seem to be three narratives that keep popping up needing a well-trained knight to come and slay the dragon(s).
1. “I need to get through this to experience joy again.”
Grief has robbed so many people of happiness. They find it hard to love and live in the bright moments in their lives that existed before their loss. When they wish for joy again, you begin to understand the depths of their heartbreak. This powerful narrative has robbed individuals and whole families of their lives. That might sound dramatic, but think about the person saying this. Perhaps they woke up and have been fired from the only job they ever truly loved. With the job went their joy. The questions then become:
What do we place our joy in? How do we lose it? How do we regain it?
The famous psychologist and philosopher Victor Frankl spent time in concentration camps observing people and their response to the extraordinarily difficult circumstances. The reality was the same for both but some seemed to have a different response.
Those who faced life in the concentration camp with a different attitude seemed to be those with a different internal drive—a sense of purpose and meaning. There was an element of living beyond the circumstances.
If joy is something we run towards and not something that is available to us here and now, then we will be running forward forever. We must train ourselves to find joy in every moment—even at the hardest of times.
2. “I am entitled to these emotions.”
We are allowed to feel how we feel. However, is how we feel helping us—or hurting us?
After loss, it’s easy to start wallowing and feeling lost. We no longer have an anchor in our lives that we relied on, so we tend to take on more negative emotions in response. Maybe we get snippier with our loved ones. Maybe we get so sad it’s hard to get out of bed.
We’re allowed to feel all these things, but the key is to not stay in them. After a few days, it’s important for us to get out of bed and live our lives again. If it’s the loss of the loved one, it’s better we begin to live in the hope of making them proud. If it’s the loss of a job, then we need to start looking within, deciding what next steps we want to take and then actually taking them.
If we don’t snap away from these negative emotions, we begin to lose our lights and all the reasons this life is worth living. We also begin to hurt those who love us when we put up a barrier in the name of “emotional justice.” We think because the world hurt us, we can push away from it.
But when we push away our loved ones, it only hurts us. Look around you. Are your people carefully walking on eggshells when you walk into a room? Are they on a heightened state of alert?
Slaying this dragon can be as simple as awareness and release. A more powerful response can be overcoming emotions with actions. The tool to pry open the teeth of the wild beast can be a single act of kindness and gratitude for someone else. Giving of ourselves requires us to move beyond ourselves.
3. “My life is going to mirror the chaos that is around me.”
What happens when we simply flip this narrative?
“I am going to be a peaceful harbor in the midst of chaos.”
Often, my desire is to be a place of rest in my coaching for people to come, be, and experience in the midst of the chaos around them. Just by speaking these words, a shift can happen.
The truth is we often keep our dragons close because we feel like they make us feel powerful, but we often don’t see the imminent danger. We don’t see the power they have over us, often keeping us unnecessarily fearful.
Keeping our dragons close is a way to protect us without having to do any fighting. But what happens is we give up the fight completely. We must instead release our dragons, be willing to get a little hurt in the process of getting stronger, and be ready to rule our lands with grace and love.
Here are a few questions questions for the weekend:
- What is happening in your life right now that you are reacting to?
- What narrative needs conquering?
- Are you willing to give up this way of thinking?