“It hurts more than I think it should. It’s like they were a part of every single area of my life. I’m reminded of the loss almost every hour of every day.”
We don’t know how deeply something or someone has affected our life until they are no longer there.
My Story of Secondary Losses
It’s been almost seven years since my life was deeply affected by the end of my marriage. As I’ve mentioned many times, it took me months until I discovered that I could grieve the loss of marriage and allowed myself to do so.
It was still years later when I realized I wasn’t just grieving the marriage.
It was about mid-December in year two when I started feeling a deep sadness. I couldn’t quite place it but it was a deep ache that I kept waking up to. It was no longer just the marriage but something else I was grieving.
As the December holidays got closer, I remembered what I would have been preparing during the marriage. For years, we had visited the family’s village of origin and reconnected with almost the entire family tree. The cousins connected with the other aunties, and the elders connected deeply with the next rung on the family tree—sharing wisdom.
Life after looked a lot different.
Defining Secondary Losses
What I was experiencing was a secondary loss: a loss that reverberates from a primary loss.
In this case, I was aching for the family that I had hoped to be more closely tied to. As my child was growing up I anticipated him just grasping at the twigs of this side of his family tree. These were the connections I missed, having sisters for the first time, and the music.
Regaining this was impossible, but I also knew, after commemorating so much of my loss of marriage, that I was not without options. I could take some positive, creative steps.
As planning continued for Christmas, I began looking for ways to deepen our traditions and extend the invitation to more extended family so my little one’s life could be that much richer. It also helped fill a small void I was grieving. This small shift did not replace the loss, but noticing the loss gave opportunity to think creatively and develop something new.
What You Can Do About It
Discovering an area of grief and looking at it with curiosity can feel like a sense of relief. It’s like walking around, being unknowingly tied by a tight ribbon. We don’t know what it is, but once we know it’s there, we can tug and loosen the ribbon.
Your secondary loss may be losing the person you called every time your team scored a goal. Maybe it is the loss of your band’s cohesiveness after the lead singer’s death. It could even be the loss of a morning walk after a dog’s death. The list goes on.
What secondary loss or losses may you be experiencing? How are they making you feel stuck?
If you want to take the time to talk over what your next steps to opening up new space could look like, schedule an exploratory call with me here.