These last few weeks, I’ve had a number of friends going through severe losses. Whenever I talk to these people, I want to take their burdens away and give them a cheat sheet to help them make it through their insurmountable pain. I feel it is almost my job as someone who has grieved and helps those who grieve to give them advice.
But, admittedly, I’ve been dragging my feet on creating a guide or a primer for people experiencing loss. Knowing that everyone’s situation is so different, it’s hard to give platitudes to “fix” the issue. But I do recognize there are ways to grieve as Christ’s followers as stepping stones.
If this is you, or you know someone who could use this, please pass it along:
- The rubber has hit the road. Now is the time to see if everything we profess to believe is real… or not. Either God does give “peace beyond understanding,” or He doesn’t. Either the “joy of the Lord is our strength,” or it’s not.
- Your emotions are like money: if you don’t budget them, they will run away from you, and it will be hard to reign them back in. Waves of loss will hit you, but you have more control than you think.
- People say ridiculous things to you when you have just experienced a major loss. Practice immediate forgiveness when it hits your ears and prepare what you will say in response. If you don’t do this, it can be like experiencing another layer of grief. I love the Texan term: “Bless your heart; you’re so precious.” This can mean “you are dumb as a sack of potatoes,” but it sounds nice.
- Define grief for yourself. Don’t let anyone define it for you. Grief is different for every single person. Create a beautiful way to grieve intentionally. If you are grieving as a family, reread the last two sentences and add a heaping scoop of grace.
- If you are someone who takes everything on themselves, be aware that a loss will be too heavy for you to carry alone. Today is the day you get to learn to surrender. And surrender means that we have the option to release what weighs us down. Pray—and pray often.
- God is always calling you into a deeper relationship with Him, but loss is something unique. This is a time when you are learning to walk with Him while you are facing your biggest fear. This can completely change your relationship with God for the rest of your life, so be patient and mindful.
- Choose peace. Your brain will want you to occupy any space left by the loss, and too often, this becomes a big unnecessary change. The brain needs room to heal, so give yourself what you need: Peace.
- Use this opportunity to heal as you walk forward. A loss has a tendency of bringing up something that has plagued you for many years. Let God shine a light on it and see what healing is possible as you walk forward.
- Your life is like a house that has been brought down to the studs. There is nothing left but the frame. It seems unfathomable that something beautiful could be built again, but ask this question: What does this loss make possible that was not possible before?
- Do not let anyone tell you how to grieve. If they do, repeat the term you created for yourself in #3. This is your unique journey, so do it well and be aware this may make no sense to someone else.
A few questions for you as you walk forward:
- What is the best piece of advice you ever received about grief?
- What do you need most as you walk this path?
- How are you uniquely made, and how does that exhibit itself during this time of loss/transition?