It took Dr. Kübler Ross decades to develop the Five Stages of Grief.
In that case, I’ll probably feel prepared to write my trauma and grief manifesto around 2050. However, in the meantime, I’m often asked what the Christian grief recovery method looks like.
Let’s give it a go and start from the beginning…
Step 1: The Gospel is True or False
The greatest loss of your life has just taken place. Heartache has set in, and you feel like you are about to physically break into pieces. Your head is pounding, and all your thoughts are cloudy. The curtain has just been pulled closed on every other element of your life and the rest of the world.
This is it. This is where so many of us find ourselves as we face down our biggest fear: our greatest loss. The unthinkable has happened.
We fall to our knees and cry out: “Why God? Save me. I can’t move forward. I can’t do this alone. Please, bring me some comfort.”
At this moment, either the Gospel is true, or it’s false. Either we receive a lifeline, or we don’t. What we do in these first few moments will determine next steps.
We all know someone who has allowed grief to consume them. This person decided they were going to do it on their own. This may also be the person who hit the bottle and not the Bible.
We’ve seen the decay of years of grieving done without Christ. We’ve seen lives in a state of utter disrepair.
In my case, it was the cool bathroom floor when I had experienced abandonment. I felt the crushing weight of not being loved. I wondered if I could walk the face of the earth while being unlovable. I wanted to be invisible, but God had other plans. In those first moments, I received strength to find safety and whispers of love.
When we cry out and receive peace and comfort, it gives us the smallest glimmer of hope to inch forward.
Step 2: Choose Healing
Grief Coaching is not an easy sell. It’s easy to stay in the pattern of momentary peace and comfort and think that it’s going to be okay. So many people explore the idea of healing and then move back to the comfort of their status quo, fearful of what the road ahead might look like. Sometimes, comfort looks like not doing what’s best for our healing, instead turtling back into our shells where we feel safe and guarded from anything else that may hurt us.
God is always calling us into healing. Writing this, my eyes welled up with tears thinking of all the lives around me that would be different if they chose to heal, but we can’t do it for others. We can only choose healing for ourselves.
Christ’s entire ministry was that of healing the sick. It was central to every part of his existence, even in his death and resurrection. Christ is calling us beyond our status quo and toward taking a step of trust.
Last week I wrote about the Rhythm of Healing, which gives a different view of what this can look like in our lives.
When we finally make the choice to choose healing, we see that the heavy lifting is on God. Often, our greatest movement of faith in our lives is allowing God to take our biggest burden when we are seeking healing. It’s the moment of taking the leap of faith when it feels like you’re already standing on the ledge, afraid of something or someone pushes you. It’s trusting that God will catch you, especially when you’re open to it.
Step 3: Reactive to Proactive
This week, I’ve been studying Christ walking on water and calling Peter toward him. I must spend a lot of time on this story because even my 4-year-old noticed the story in the sermon this week (proud momma moment). However, this story is key to understanding the third step in Christian Grief Recovery: Living in proactive faith.
If we use Peter as the analogy to our grief process, we may be stuck in crying out, “Lord, save me!” He stretches out His hand, and He is there.
The voices in our head are yelling at us to “give up” or telling us, “You’re so weak.” Just like Peter, doubt wells up inside of us. We think there is no real way forward back to life. Surely, I’m going to meet my demise in this dark place.
But what if we choose an alternate ending? How could this story have gone? What if, in Peter’s initial request, he recognizes his weakness?
“Lord, I know I’m weak. I’m going to need you each step of the way.”
When Jesus says, “Come,” Peter responds with, “Then Jesus, I am not going to take my eyes off you. I’m not going to stop talking to you. If I stop then I know I will get overwhelmed by the waves and begin to fall.”
Peter steps out, locks eyes with Jesus, and says, “Jesus, remind me of those miracles you did this week. Remind me of who you are. Remind me of who you say I am.” With each word, Peter walks stronger. With each step, he gets closer to Jesus’ loving gaze.
The same can be true for us when we slowly inch from a reactive faith to a proactive faith. We can move from being yanked up out of the deep to the miracle of walking in lock step with Christ.
It’s saying, “God, I trust you. I’m going to take this leap, and I know that you’ll be there to catch me, however that may look,” instead of, “Thanks for catching me when I fell.” It’s always good to be grateful, but it’s even better when you trust Him through and through and still being grateful for whatever the outcome may be.
Where are you in the boat today?
If you’re in the corner shaking with fear, what is the next step?
If you’re at the water’s edge, dipping your toe, how are you going to ensure that the first step is a bold one?