Do the Hard Things… Easier

My body does not like to do hard things. My son is also naturally inclined to side-step anything he thinks is difficult. But that’s the human condition, right? 

That said, we have a motto we’ve taken on since visiting Kennedy Space Center last winter. There was a quote repeated from Kennedy’s 1962 speech in almost every exhibition. Here is our paraphrased version: “We don’t do things because they are easy but because they are hard.” 

What’s So Hard?

For years, I had been sitting down and attempting to teach my little guy a C-chord on a ukulele to no avail. The blockage was real to him. Sitting down in a hard place and focusing on the hard thing was like sitting in front of a brick wall. 

So, here’s some truth telling: 

Since February, I’ve known there was some additional grief work I needed to do—-things I needed to process. But do you think I found a way to do it? 

No! Absolutely not. I even created ideas of tackling it that were really well-designed self-sabotage machines meant to keep me far away from doing the processing. 

Needless to say, my body began telling me it’s time: first I got an external stye, then dental inflammation, then a blister on my cornea. These were like a white flag telling me to surrender. 

Your body may have another way of telling you it’s time to do the hard emotional work. 

Take a moment right now. Seriously. Think about your tell-tale signs. Are you experiencing unexplainable back pain? Are you getting sick constantly? Are you experiencing spurts of anger? 

Let’s be real, it’s always hard to do the hard things. 

For my little one, the hard thing that he really wanted to do was play music every day, especially if it involves sticks in his hands. I saw the writing on the wall. I was going to have to turn into the nagging “It’s time for music practice” mom. 

Ugh, there is nothing worse for motivation than a nagging voice—whether internal or external. 

But this is for something that the little one wanted to do. What about the things that we don’t want to do that are also hard? 

Grief and grieving is hard. I don’t think anyone would counter that statement, right? 

It’s so hard that we come up with a million and one other things to do besides grieving. In one of the approaches I use, these are called Short-Term Energy Relieving Behaviors or S.T.E.R.B.S.

When our mind is processing something associated with a loss, and it doesn’t want to think about it or feel the emotion, it will choose one of your go-to S.T.E.R.B.S. These are meant to distract you from that thought and/or feeling. Maybe you’re like me, and you love a good snack to temporarily distract. Maybe it’s hitting the gym for three hours. Maybe your S.T.E.R.B. of choice is retail therapy. Sounds funny in this context, right?

What’s worse is that we usually don’t know what to do with our grief. We have no idea what to do with the swirling thoughts or waves of emotion. 

And yet, we know what happens when we don’t process our grief.

So, let’s keep this simple. 

To do any hard thing, we need a safe space where we feel like we can be fully seen, heard, and loved—especially through any mistakes or areas of shame. 

That may be an over-simplification, but if it’s something you want to explore, we can chat about it more.

Identifying What’s Hard 

Take a moment, close your eyes, and scan your life. 

What is trying to get your attention? 

Is it a past relationship that ended badly you wish you could go back and change? How many hours of your life have you spent thinking about this when you would have rather thought of something else?

Maybe it’s the memory of the final hours of a loved one’s death that you can’t get out of your mind. 

For me, it was a relationship with someone that felt like I was getting knocked down by a jousting stick each time I entertained any thoughts or feelings about them. 

For the little one, it was this gap between his beginner level and the mastery of musicians he sees around him. “It’s too hard!” “I’ll never be able to do that!” 

Building A Lifestyle of Hard Things

Can we expect others to do something if we don’t first do it for ourselves? 

It would be wrong of me to ask you to step into a place of discomfort—to do the hard things around grieving—if this wasn’t part of my own lifestyle. 

As quickly as I said an internal “yes,” a weekly session with a very safe friend became a set space for me to process what was trying to get my attention. Not only did I have a set space, but I also gained accountability. Someone else was relying on me to be there to hold a space for her. 

For the little one, this was a bit tricky. As I zoomed out, I saw the first hard thing we had to do was to say “no” to other things to create space for the things that we value. Then, as a family, we discussed a wild plan: What if we had early, long family dinners filled with delicious food, fun conversions, reading, and… a jam session? Suddenly, the hard thing was wrapped up in family’s love and support. 

What sort of lifestyle shift could you create to foster the hard things you’ve always wanted to do in life?

-Or-

What lifestyle could you develop to do the hard things you’ve never wanted to do, but you know, deep down, they would make your life significantly better? 

So, as projected, I have made the exploration session links on my website paid, but for my faithful subscribers, I want to continue to make these free for one more month. [LINK] 

If you want to start building in a lifestyle of processing, be sure to set up an exploration session today.