“But I haven’t lost them yet. I can’t grieve them.”
This one statement can create mind-bending anxiety for someone walking a path with a loved one suffering from a terminal illness, especially Alzheimer’s.
Many losses we cannot plan for, including but not limited to a loved one’s tragic death in a car accident or an unexpected loss of a beloved job. But in certain cases, we can expect the imminent death—and that’s where it gets confusing.
Grief is often a balance between mourning and life. In anticipatory grief, it’s something more: A balance between letting go and holding on.
Anticipatory grief can be isolating. At the end of the day, grief always robs us of joy. Period. But in anticipatory grief, it robs you of joy before the loss has taken place.
Grief after a major loss means people are often surrounding you, and they (at least try) to walk the season of grief with you. Grief before a major loss often leaves the observer questioning what they are feeling. The parade of flowers and foods haven’t arrived at their doorstep yet. They don’t receive streams of texts of others sharing sweet memories they have with the loved one. They can’t quite lay in bed every day watching movies and eating comfort foods to get them through their grief.
When you know your loved one is passing, you’ll likely want to be present and loving at every last moment with your loved one. However, you’ll also know that each hug, each kiss, and each word of encouragement could be the last, making it altogether more bitter than sweet.
Recently, I’ve been revisiting the Gospel of John’s account of the Death of Lazarus. It’s one of those stories that shows us a small glimpse of what Jesus thinks of grief and what He does in the face of it. John 11:33-35 is especially revealing:
33 When Jesus saw her weeping and the Jews who had come with her weeping, he became perturbed[g] and deeply troubled, 34 and said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Sir, come and see.” 35 And Jesus wept.
The Greek for “perturbed” means, quite literally, “sorting in the spirit.” Some commentators say Jesus was doing this in anger toward the presence of evil. This account perpetuates the questions:
“What does Christ’s life, death, and resurrection call us into in the face of death?”
Jesus seems to answer this question quite simply:
- Be present to the moment.
- Be present to the person and the relationship.
- Be aware of your emotions and what is behind them.
- Take action.
In its essence, anticipatory grief is being present in each and every moment prior to an inevitable loss.
Grief often robs us of our joy because we are not feeling the emotion. Jesus took time to weep—to feel the emotion the experience was evoking. Often, we don’t even see the things we could grieve. When we are facing someone’s impending death, we often miss a series of perpetual losses along the way. Here are just a few:
- Loss of memories (as in a loved one with Alziemers, Dementia, or brain cancer)
- Loss or change in relationship
- Loss of financial stability (if there are financial struggles with long-term care)
When we get in the habit of identifying these losses, Jesus calls us into experiencing the full force of the emotion associated with that loss:
- Betrayal that someone is dying before you get to experience your golden years
- Anger at the loss of companionship
- Shame that your loved one is turning against you in their final days or years
Jesus’s calling is there because He is with us in our suffering, and He felt all the emotions we are feeling.
Jesus didn’t end with experiencing the emotion. Instead, He walked forward and took action. Now, it’s highly unlikely that our action will be raising the dead, but there is a long list of things we can do in the face of an impending death:
- Resolve any unfinished business
- Be together (no matter how uncomfortable)
- Ask questions
- Tell stories
- Create memories
- Forgive any mistakes
- Create meaning
- Transition to a new role
- Listen
The final option on that list is arguably more important. You must listen to yourself, listen to those around you, listen to your intuition, and listen to the loved one you are losing. It’s so easy to block out the voices as we are tumbling into the isolating spiral of anticipatory grief.
Resilience in grief means exercising three steps over, and over, and over again:
- Identify the loss
- Name & feel the emotion
- Take appropriate action
Coping with loss means learning your unique way of living with loss. Creating a rhythm that works for yourself is crucial.
We are unique in our grief in the same way we are uniquely made. God knows you ask, “How have you made me unique? How should I grieve this in my own unique way?” Just know that it’s safe to grieve—that it’s safe to bring your grief to God.
If you are currently going through the road toward a major loss (or know someone who is), here are a few questions to probe deeper:
- What loss are you facing today that you are overlooking?
- What emotion are you feeling in conjunction with that loss?
- What is one action you can take in response to the loss you are facing?