Resilience is at the core of grief work. I’m not talking about how quickly someone can move on from the grief after a loss. Sometimes, moving on is learning to push down the feelings. What I’m talking about is a deeper resilience when we know how to process the emotions of a loss.
Most often, I’m working with people who have endured great losses, but more often these days, I’m starting to work with people who are moving through the heartbreaking path of losing a loved one who has not yet died.
What I’ve noticed is the resiliency that happens as we’re able to do the work up front in a way that is starkly different after the loss has occurred. At the heart of this difference is a shift from doing to being.
To help explain this, first, it’s useful to see what the very natural responses usually are after a major loss:
- “I didn’t get to process the things that were really needed.”
- “I can’t stop thinking about that final moment. I feel like it will always haunt me.”
- “I feel like my life has been set back years. I feel like I’m going to need to claw back from surviving to just get to where I was,” or put more simply, “I’m exhausted.”
Let’s face it, part of the exhaustion of caregiving is the endless surprises that happen. I often joke with my own parents, “Wow, this would all be much easier if we knew what was going to happen!”
But we don’t!
Perhaps it’s walking the steady decline of dementia with a spouse only for there to be an accident and broken bones. Maybe it’s a series of serious health issues creating a roller coaster of emotions, from hope for recovery to praying bedside the next day.
Most caregivers will reflect in retrospect and say, “I have no idea how I did it!” Caregiving often seems like something that happens to us due to a lack of control or ability to plan. We often don’t have the personal tools or training. We do what is necessary and usually never feel Iike we’re doing enough.
What does the doing of caregiving look like?
- Regretting the recent past and not ever feeling like you’ve done enough.
- Ploughing through each caregiving task.
- Worrying about what the future may hold.
How in the world could resiliency be possible in a reactive situation like this? Is there another way?
If I could get very Simon Sinek for a moment: Your loved one doesn’t need what you do—they need who you are.
Let me be clear that the things we do are important, but focusing mainly on those things is what leads to deep regret after a loss. In the aftermath of a loss, the resiliency is diminished by those deep pains that sound like this: “I wish that things could have been different. I wish I could have been better. I wish I could have had more time.”
Prioritizing the being of caregiving is a small but meaningful shift. Like most areas of virtue, it’s about the intention. It’s about the heart. In this cold world of end-of-life care, it’s almost like the heart is being taken out of it. It’s statistics, medications, assessments, and calculations.
When you are able to be, you bring something very different.
Being Aware
Being aware is knowing that the time is limited and to do the things that are so meaningful. What are the questions that only your loved one can answer? Who are the people that he or she would love to connect with one last time? What are the words that need to be said?
Being aware means being able to sit back, zoom out, and look at what your future self would say you wanted different, better, or more.
Being Present
In my own household, I can tell when I’m just passing through checking off tasks both for the household or the business. Just last night, I wanted to get five things done before bed, but I could tell my dad just wanted to sit, look eye-to-eye, and connect emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually. It’s his greatest joy, and this morning, I had a sense of loss that I didn’t take that time.
Too often, we see the role of caregiving and not the person or people we’re hoping to love and serve. A quick check-in, “Mom, you okay?” Will eventually lead to different, better thoughts and limit the opportunity of resiliency.
Being All of Yourself
Finally, it’s too easy to have limiting thoughts about ourselves when we’re in the trenches of caregiving. “I don’t have hospice training. Who am I to make these decisions or do these tasks?”
Now, I’m going to be bold here, but walk with me.
Because caregiving is often an extra-ordinary time, it’s also a time where we can grow exponentially. In the midst of being, we can look at the unique ways we are made and use those incredible gifts in a way that is appropriate for the needs of the person you are serving.
This exploration can lead to an expansive place of knowing yourself and your loved one better.
If you’re beginning to walk this path of caregiving, and you are finding yourself falling into the day-to-day tasks of doing, come and experience a space of exploration to process your thoughts and feelings and discover what being in caregiving may look like for you.