God really did create us to be incredible—even in our grief.
I began understanding this at a very young age as I experienced childhood trauma. Even amid traumatic events, there were times when my brain said, “Enough,” and shut off, protecting me from some deeper, lasting effects of full memories.
As I began my healing journey in my 30s, I was shocked to see that, even as I poked around in decades-old memories, only the relevant memories for healing were available to me.
We live in a world full of sadness and suffering. When I take a step back and look at the physical nature of how our brains experience this grief and trauma, I can’t help but be in awe. I can’t help but sing out in thanksgiving Psalm 33:8:
“Let all the earth fear the LORD; let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of him!”
I sit with multiple people each week scared stiff to intentionally walk through grief. The concept of inviting in the unknown is just too much to fathom. From their perspective, there can be no good (especially no immediate good) to come out of digging into the lasting effects of a severe loss.
Our culture has made Dr. Kübler-Ross’ “Five Stages of Grief” almost synonymous with grieving itself. Even Kübler-Ross began to regret creating the stages when she was on the other end after receiving a terminal diagnosis. She witnessed the health-care providers over-simplifying grief and trying to fit her into a tidy little box.
The truth to the five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—is that they are not linear. They can happen all at once at any time. They aren’t like steps on a staircase leading to the door of healing. Instead, they are a scatterplot that can be confusing and all-consuming.
I have never witnessed someone experiencing grief in a predictable manner, but I have walked a path with people at every stage listed in the five stages. The more we intentionally feel grief, the more it will begin to dissipate, and the more we eventually begin to heal.
When I was in a state of awe after some fascinating sessions with clients, I returned to Kübler-Ross’ book, “On Grief and Grieving,” and specifically looked for those benefits to each stage. I was particularly looking for the incredible functions of our brain. Below are a few of the major benefits from each stage.
- Denial is an example of our brain helping us to survive the loss.
- Anger shows that we feel safe enough to know we will probably survive.
- Bargaining can help our mind move from one stage of loss to another.
- Depression is a way for nature to protect us by shutting down the nervous system.
- Acceptance is when our brain begins shifting more energy into living than loss.
As I read through that list over and over again, I was moved to see how God created our brains to protect us from the feeling of free fall into an abyss. He has made us so intricately that we can walk boldly through grief and live in curiosity—if we choose to.
What is holding you back from intentionally walking a path of grief? How are you moved to a state of wonder when you see how remarkably we are created? How might this wonder and curiosity lead you to take that first step?