The Three C’s of Grieving In the Holidays

This approach to holiday planning has been shared widely but it originated from Dr. Kenneth J. Doka of The Hospice Foundation. The original can be found in his book, “Grief Is a Journey: Finding Your Path Through Loss.”

I have included a worksheet towards the end to help make the approach your own.

For those who are grieving, the holidays can be unfamiliar terrain. This time is filled with fond remembrances of loved ones who are on your mind yet absent from your traditions and rituals. Acknowledging the difficulties of holidays after loss does not make a potentially difficult time any easier, but preparing for the holidays by tapping into helpful strategies may provide some much-needed help.

These “Three C’s”, building on the research and writing by grief expert Kenneth J. Does, PhD, to help navigate your way through this difficult time.

CHOOSE

During the holidays, it’s easy to drift into activities that have the potential to increase your pain and even create trauma in your life that you will then need to heal from. Our goal is to avoid any additional pain and potentially creating something during your holidays that will bring peace and joy for your heart.

Often when a loss is fresh we experience something generally called “grief brain”. This is the time in grief when we can be forgetful and generally not in control of our thoughts. We need to spend time and care engaging with the Holy Spirit for true wisdom to intentionally choose what will be the most enriching activities for you during the holiday season.

You have choices. Decide what you want to be part of, who you want to be with, and what you want to do.

After her husband died, June was invited— and felt pressured—to join her sister-in-law for Christmas celebrations. She decided that she would retain the freedom to choose where she wanted to be until that morning. “I never know how much energy I’ll have or how I’ll feel until that day,” she explained. She decided to eat dinner with a few women she knew through a widow’s support group. She chose to go to her sister-in-law’s house for dessert.

You may also want to consider how to mark your loss during the holidays. During the holidays you may feel the presence of that person’s absence. Finding ways to recognize and acknowledge that individual can bring a positive focus to your grief. This may be done in a number of ways. Lighting a candle, creating a ritual, placing a memento on a tree, holding a moment of silence or a holiday toast are simple ways to acknowledge the losses felt so keenly this time of year.

COMMUNICATE

Discussing your choices with others, especially those affected by them, is important. They have needs as well. Their ways of dealing with grief may be different. June, for example, talked with her sister- in-law, explained her feelings and asked if she could make a decision that day. Once her sister-in-law understood June’s feelings and needs, she understood June’s need for flexibility. Traditions may come into play because they involve choices. Communication about them is important.

If someone you are communicating with has not experienced intentional grieving and loss they may have a very different perspective. They may not understand the need to change anything. You may find this is a time when you will hear insensitive grief comments like, “Isn’t it time you get over this?” Be prepared with a rehearsed response that protects your heart, “I’m working through grief at my own pace, in my own way. Thank you for your concern.”

To begin the conversation you can start with this:

This is what I’m thinking about…This is what I need right now…What are you thinking? What do you need?

If they haven’t yet thought about it, then give them some guidance on where to start and the space to think about it. You may even want to use the worksheet below as a starting point.

COMPROMISE

Each person deals with loss in his or her own particular way and therefore has different needs. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Leaving space for compromise is important.

For example, some people in the Smith family saw the Christmas tree as an important tribute to their late son and brother. Other family members felt it was disrespectful. They talked through each point of view, and decided to have a small tree—not in the central living room, but in the family room. Those who wanted to help decorate could, but those who chose not to would also be respected.

If you anticipate the potential conversation will be especially difficult, one thing to keep in mind is what is most important to you and engage with the other person, or people, to see what is most important to them. Often, once this is on the table, compromise can be easier.

Nothing changes the fact that the holidays can be especially difficult while grieving. But if you choose your actions, communicate your choices to others, and find suitable compromises, you may find that they become bearable and that you have renewed strength and hope.

Developed from Journeys with Grief: A Collection of Articles about Love, Life and Loss, edited by Kenneth J. Doka, Ph.D., MDiv., copyright Hospice Foundation of America, 2012.

GRIEF IN THE HOLIDAYS – PLANNING WORKSHEET

Decorations

What have you done in the past?