For years, when people asked about my specific talents, I would tell them it was “encouragement.” I even took an online spiritual gifting assessment once, and my second on the list was encouragement (my first was “living in poverty,” which still confuses me).
You can imagine my surprise when I got knee-deep into my coaching studies and realised I was actually missing the mark completely!
Like many things in the coaching world, affirmation and encouragement is very different from our day-to-day lives. It is intentional and very powerful.
THE USUAL WAY OF ENCOURAGING
When I think back, my normal style of encouragement was quite broad. Therefore, it would come out something like this:
“You’re so wonderful… so smart… so delightful.”
However, when I hear something like this now, my gut reaction is to cringe. My mind races, and I ask myself, “What have I done that’s wonderful?” or “What do I say in response?”
I remember an ex-boyfriend overseas attributing my encouraging style with being American. I suppose to a certain extent that’s true. My family tree does run through Texas, where the most used words are “You’re so precious!”
Because I learned the life-coaching style of encouragement, I haven’t been able to go back to my old style. It took me a while to fully understand it.
Below is the step-by-step guide to affirming like a life coach.
STEP 1: See the person you’re affirming
I tell my little boy, “I love you,” all the time but rarely do I get much of a response out of him. If I want him to come alive, I use the words, “I see you!” In that moment, he sees that he is the sparkle in my eye – that I am only focused on him and he is truly seen.
This process of actually seeing the person you want to affirm is the first step to powerfully encouraging them like a life coach.
Imagine, you are standing at a Rembrandt showing in 1635 Amsterdam, and you happen to find yourself standing next to the artist himself. If you said the ancient Dutch equivalent of, “That’s quite something,” I imagine he would just turn his head and walk away.
However, if you were instead to say to him, “Sir, with this piece, it feels as if the subject is actually standing in the room with me.” -or- “I feel as if I am actually at this historical moment in time you are depicting.” I can imagine he would linger and maybe even tell you some of the secrets to his methods.
Thus, the same is true with encouraging those in your life. The first step needs to actually be seeing the person; seeing those finer details shows that you’ve spent time truly observing and noticing them.
STEP 2: Notice an area of growth
Most of us have an area of our lives that we’d like to see change. These deep desires show the depth of our soul. It shows us the person we hope to be some day and what we would give up to become that person.
After your initial interaction with Rembrandt, you’re quite excited with how it turned out. You become hungry to try it again, so you get the details of someone who works at his studio and ask him what Rembrandt has been most focused on.
He tells you that he has been spending months trying to get the mouth of his subjects right, particularly the creases around the mouth. You look at other pieces of his and learn more about his style and composition. You see how he has, in fact, progressed in this area.
Beyond seeing the person, the power is in seeing the person who doesn’t yet exist but will.
STEP 3: Choose words that invite further growth
As a life coach, I am always aware of the words I use. Your words of encouragement can give life to something that wasn’t there before. You may see something about the person you are encouraging that they don’t see for themselves.
If we go back, one last time to 1635:
You’re back at the next exhibition with Rembrant. He reveals his most recent work and happens to see you from across the room.
Because of your previous observations, he asks for your further insight. You tell him about the time you’ve spent looking through his work, and what you see has changed in his approach to capture mouths and expressions. Perhaps you say something like, “The mouth that you are painting now seems to show not just emotion, but it also reveals secret mysteries.”
He is taken by your level of insight and interest. In turn, he invites you the very next day to his studio to sit for a study on your own mouth.
The gold here is when your words invite further growth. Maybe you see something that someone doesn’t see for themself:
“You have a voice that could be on a stage.”
“You have a presentation style that could sell almost anything.”
Or, maybe you notice someone’s personal growth: “I see that you‘ve been working on developing this skill, and it looks like it’s becoming a part of you.”
That’s a far cry from “You’re so great.”
CONCLUSION
This isn’t easy – it’s not supposed to be. It’s meant to take time to build up this skill because it takes being present with someone and learning them, studying them, being curious about them, building a relationship with them, and being in community with them.