I have this crazy goal that when the little one finally goes to school and someone asks him, “What does your mom do for work?” he will respond, “Her job is to play with me all day and love me.” The main factor in having this be the case is learning how to be fully present.
Like most mothers, when the little one was born, I realized I had been given a very special gift and wanted to do everything in my capacity to give him what he needs. I soon realised I was spending so much time thinking about the future and how I was going to make, well, everything happen that I wasn’t enjoying what was right in front of me. Whenever I prayed for how to grow in this area, the message I kept getting in return was, “Learn to love those in front of you better.”
I took that as a hint and started to use those in front of me as a tool for learning to be more present.
I often associate being present with quiet and prayerful meditation, which is in limited supply in the early years of motherhood. Hence, this idea of being present with others made a lot of sense.
I’ve taught myself some quick lessons on what it means to be present with those around me. So far, I’ve learned three keys to this elusive concept. I’m not one to cut corners, but I appreciate a good cheat sheet, and this is the one I’ve created for myself.
BE A BLESSING – If you’re going to be present might as well do something about it.
The idea of figuring out who I am called to serve haunted me for just about as long as other big purpose questions. Just recently, however, I was doing a business course, and the instructor made it very simple: “Who is in front of you? You see them? That’s them… that’s who you’re called to serve.” And then she rounded it off with another kicker: “Now, go and be a blessing to them.”
Of course, I’m not going to let a statement like that slide by, so I started to think about how I’m going to be a blessing. What that looked like was acknowledging people and really seeing them, to see the needs of those in front of me. If I’m going to be a blessing, then I have to notice them and their needs, as well as how I can bless them.
I remember a time I was with a group of friends in Johannesburg, and one evening, I had mentioned that the water main close to my house was broken, causing the water to shut off. When I left to go home that evening, they had a flask of hot water prepared for me so that I could make my morning coffee.
Now, I’m sure there have been millions of times people have been a blessing to me, but this one was so simple and so clear that it is constantly a reminder to me of how I can bless others, even in just the smallest of ways.
Choosing to be a blessing (and working at it every day) has meant choosing to be present.
STAND STILL – If you’re running off to the next thing there’s no way to be fully present
Now, here is the big one. Well, the big one for me. Learn to stand still. This is the hardest part because this stillness is all-encompassing. While standing still can mean taking a breather, it also means to not rush what you have to do – to not look like you’re off to go to something important, or to use the word “quickly” in listing off an activity.
Lately, I’ve really learned to be still during my morning walks with my little one as we meet people. In the past, I could just have my shades on and look straight ahead and maybe just wave and flash a half smile to any passerby. These days, we linger (maybe not great for the calorie-burning) and don’t make it look like we’re a momma and child on a mission.
Just changing our posture has been a fascinating way to change the pace of those around us. In a sense, perhaps, others are able to be more present with us as we’re attempting to be more present with them.
ASK QUESTIONS – If you’re not curious about the person in front of you then it’s better to move on
Whether you’re around a friend or someone new, just lingering and not saying anything can be creepy or seem insensitive, so I’ve learned to ask questions. I even do this with my 13-month-old who can’t even yet answer.
A Tip From The Coach: Ask “How” and “What” questions – these will always produce the most fruitful responses and then create the next level of conversation. “Why” questions almost always come across as judgemental if you’re not a 4-year-old, so be careful.
Here’s a funny little anecdote from this week. On Monday, I said a simple, little selfish prayer: “God, I’d love to learn how to forage for things in the forest close to our house.” The next day, lo and behold, I lingered and asked a couple of “How” questions and met the most fascinating German mum who has been learning about foraging. Through telling me her experience, she also informed me that some of the amateur foraging I’d been trying was actually illegal. Through this conversation, I learned how to forage correctly and better, and she was able to show off her skills in a way that helped her feel seen.
Asking questions means that you are noticing what’s happening in front of you and that you’re engaged with the person around you. If you can do any one of these things, you’re ensured to be at least marginally more present.