You have woken up the day after a major loss. Nothing is the same. You don’t even feel the same. The grief we feel after a major loss seems all-consuming—and it can become just that if we let it.
How many of us have seen people whose lives have been completely shattered by a loss? Yes, everyone experiences grief differently, but we have more choices than we could ever imagine when it comes to managing our grief.
A friend of mine recently had knee surgery, and his brilliant surgeon told him immediately after the surgery, “Well, Peter, now your full-time job is healing.” He took that as a call to action. He followed the “job description” he received from his surgeon and did each task with focus and determination.
What if each person who experienced a major loss was told the same thing?
What does the “Job Description of Healing After A Major Loss” even look like? For the sake of this piece, let’s consider the death of a loved one who the individual regularly saw and interacted with.
Task #1: Create meaningful and personal rituals
Immediately following a death, we are inundated with administration. Planning a funeral commences, and there’s no time to breathe. But while it can be incredibly easy to become wrapped in the chaos, it’s vital during the initial days to find the time to stop, breathe, and tell your brain what has happened. As soon as possible, even prior to the death, we need to define what grief will look like in our life and what intentional grieving will be. If we don’t make the time to grieve, that trauma will become stored in our nervous systems and stay with us much longer than it has to. If we take the time to care for ourselves, grief can move through us, and sooner rather than later, celebration of life becomes the forefront of memory, not sadness.Here are a few questions to consider:
- How do you want to celebrate the life lived?
- How do you want to carry the legacy forward in small actions?
- What rituals are going to be most meaningful?
Task #2: Control your thoughts
Neuroscience has helped us in so many ways in the last decade. We now know that this bible verse is scientifically correct:
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” – Romans 12:2
We are not slaves to what our brain tells us. We have power over our thoughts. Mostly, we see this play out in guilt after a loved one’s death. The simple thought, “I could have done ____,” is a thought that can eat up someone’s entire existence. As soon as a thought like this occurs, it needs to be met with the positive truth, or it will become a part of your existence until it is broken.
Each thought is a neural connection. The more we think about something, the stronger we make that thought. If this happens over a long period of time, then it is nearly impossible to break that connection (both positive and negative). That is what you are seeing played out with the friends that never recover after a major loss.
Questions to ask yourself during this stage:
- Am I thinking more negative thoughts than positive ones?
- Am I acting more on fear or hope?
- How can I reframe my dark thoughts so that they become lighter?
Task #3: Create positive muscle memory
Similar to neurological development, we are seeing scientific leaps in the somatic (body) reaction to grief.
To keep things simple, this is what we need to know: The more you physically do something, the harder it will be to change that function.
It seems a common understanding now that it takes about 21 days to create a new habit. This can be a good habit or a bad one. If you choose to stay in bed for the days following the death of a loved one, it is going to be infinitely harder to break this habit further down the road. If you create a routine for yourself that is healthy and feeding your spirit, then you are in a better place to be able to grieve intentionally in the way you want to. This doesn’t mean you have to be superhuman—it just means it’s extra important to only be in bed when sleeping, to shower regularly, to eat nutritious foods, and to surround yourself with people who make you feel better.
Here are some prompts to ask yourself:
- Do you have any habits that aren’t making you feel better?
- Are you moving your body enough to help energy move throughout it?
- How often are you doing breathing exercises to center your breath?
Task #4: Choose to nourish yourself
Grief often wreaks havoc on your body. Tied closely to the former category but important on its own, taking care of yourself physically is crucial.
Often, people experience severe stomach issues, colds, flu, or any number of issues brought on by immune deficiency. To combat this, it is absolutely essential to do good things for your body during this time. This includes choosing good food to nourish yourself, sunlight, body movement, and the all important sleep.
Things to consider:
- Are fruits and vegetables in your daily diet?
- Are you going for intentional walks to get fresh air in your lungs?
- How many hours of sleep are you getting every night?
Task #5: Do whatever it takes to get sleep
The lack of sleep after a major loss has become so ubiquitous with grief that people often just accept that they won’t sleep. The difficulty with this is that we are mentally impaired if we don’t get a fairly decent amount of sleep. The likelihood of depression and other negative outcomes is dramatically increased.
What clients often do is to start by creating a bedtime ritual for themselves, similar to what you would do for a toddler. Do everything that is necessary in order to get the best possible outcome:
- Minimize screen time at least two hours before bed (all screens)
- Take a bath or a shower to help relax your muscles
- Read something inspiring
- Get very comfortable
- Pray everything that is on your heart just before bedtime
- Rest in truths about God
If you do wake up, then it is most likely because your brain is still processing everything that’s happening. Notice what this is, then pray and write to get the thoughts out of your head.
Ask yourself:
- Does your bedtime routine set yourself up for good sleep?
- Is there at least one or two habits that you find especially helpful (journaling, reading, showering, etc.)?
- If you struggle with insomnia, what are you doing to help it go away?
Task #6: Tell yourself you CAN
A common theme with my clients is this: “If you tell yourself you can’t do something, then the probability is almost 100% that you will not be able to do it. If you tell yourself you can, the outcome is flipped considerably!”
Too often, people say things like, “I cannot think about anything else,” or “I’m never going to be able to move on from this.” These should be warning signs for yourself to observe what is happening. Be inquisitive.
Things change when you just start to say simple things like, “I can choose to do things that bring joy to myself and others.”
Now, consider the following:
- Are you thinking more negatively about yourself or positively?
- Are you talking to your inner self how you would a child? With love and care?
- How are you loving your heart these days?
Task #7: Connect with others
Grief after a major loss can drive isolation. While spending time alone, especially time with God, can be beneficial, there are major benefits to being with others as you are grieving.
Spending time with others, especially family, can give you an opportunity to reminisce and recall beautiful memories. Serving others can turn your eyes, your mind, and your heart outwards and give your brain a moment to relax.
There is no stopping the pain you will experience after a major loss, but there are things you can control. The more you work hard at your new job description, the more likely you will be able to grieve in the way you desire, the way you would hope someone would grieve for you: Holding them close in your heart but living the life God is calling you forward into.
This weekend ask yourself:
- What area of your life needs healing today?
- What parts of the job description would you like to incorporate?
- What is holding you back?